Easier To Run
by Akanesi
Summary: It's easier to run for the Doctor than stop and look back on what has been. It wasn't always like this though. Once upon a time he was scared of the future, not the past.


_It's easier to run.  
Replacing this pain with something numb._

That's why I'm always running; always moving on: it's so much easier than having to take the pain of killing and regretting; loving and losing.  
_  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone._

When I have someone with me I don't want to show them my weakness so I run from them. When I have no one with me I know I won't be strong enough to face it, so I run.

_Something has been taken from deep inside of me.  
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see._

I hide myself from my companions and let nothing out. I take my secrets and I burry them; deeper than even I go. So no one, not even I, can find them. They're put there fro my own protection.  
_  
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away.  
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played._

The memories that make me bleed so deep: Gallifrey, which I can never go back to, my family, who are all dead, friends, who escape from me the first chance they get; lovers, who know no loyalty towards me whilst I risk my lives for them. I wish I could rid myself of these memories and remain who I am. But that's not possible. Because a person's memories are what make them whole; what makes them who they are.

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would.  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

If I could stop people from hurting, both in my past and in future I would. If I could go back and do it all gain; a second chance I would.  
_  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would.  
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would._

If I could be strong enough to take responsibility I would. If I could be strong enough to carry all my shame with me I would.

_It's easier to run.  
Replacing this pain with something numb._

If I don't hang around I don't have to feel. I don't have to look the people I hurt in the eye and tell them that their loved ones are unlikely to return.  
_  
It's so much easier to go  
Than face all this pain here all alone._

The Tardis offers a sanctuary from the thoughts, the memories. You'd think that every time I step inside my ship I'd be plagued by the time when they were common in the stars. But if that were the case I'd have stopped travelling long ago.  
_  
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past.  
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have._

Every so often I see a face that reminds me of one of my old friends or long lost family. No one should have the memories that I have. Memories that burn so deep they're indistinguishable from the memories that I rely on to keep sane.  
_  
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back.  
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past._

I think that sometimes it would be better if I just stopped. If I just lost myself in the Tardis corridors and never came out. If I just let the Tardis die on some old street corner as it should have happened long ago. If I never move on there would be no memories, no pain to look back on. If I just let myself wither away and die, let the Time Lords become extinct. If I just ended it.

_If I could change I would take back the pain I would.  
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would._

If I could become something more than what I am I would. If I could change the past; fix what I've done I would.  
_  
If I could stand up and take the blame I would.  
I would take all my shame to the grave._

If I could find answers in this universe where none belong I would. If I could protect everyone I would.  
_  
Just washing it aside.  
All of the helplessness inside._

Pretending I don't care was so much easier in the old days. It's natural to love one's own so no one questioned my love for Susan. I didn't have the sense of duty I do now nor the eagerness to save mankind from themselves. I didn't need to keep running because there was nothing behind me that I feared. I would have gladly fallen into the memories then and I know now that I was much wiser than I thought.

When I started this; when I ran away from home, brought Susan to earth, kidnapped her school teachers it wasn't a game as it is now. Then I wasn't afraid of what was behind me; I was afraid of what was to come.

My first body had the stubbornness of an old man that knew that everything had its time and everything dies. I sometimes wished I had stopped there instead of going on. What do I have now?

A ship which is as weary as her occupant? Hours of corridors with nothing in them because the ship dresses itself according to my mood? A memory of golden hair and laughing over Christmas dinner? A fellow Time Lord who never believed me when I said we were alone? A best friend I had to kill inside to save her? A world I have given up everything for and received nothing back?  
_  
Pretending I don't feel misplaced.  
It's so much simpler than change._

So I run, I pretend that nothing bothers me. I wish more than anything that I could turn back the time and return to my first body. To see my family again, to walk among my own and feel the orange sun on my face, but above all, I truly wish I didn't have to care._  
_

_If I could find answers in a universe of lies.  
__  
__If I could stop saying endless goodbyes._

_If I could, just once, see that orange sky._

_Even if I had to sacrifice a world._

_I would._

* * *

None of the lyrics belong to me except the last verse in italics.


End file.
